“Throughout my life I have witnessed many extraordinary events and met incredible people,” Melania Trump writes in her Author’s Note to Melaniaand prepares her readers for the platitude-ridden story to come. It’s a cliché in the publishing world to describe a reaction to a new book by how quickly you read it, how little you put it down, but it’s true that I read it. Melania in a few uninterrupted hours shortly after release. This was purely for professional reasons as Skyhorse refused to provide VF with an advanced review copy. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend anyone else to do the same.

Over the next 256 pages (if you count the photo appendix, wide in space and content), Trump describes her life in words – too many, some would say, and not quite the right ones – although they converge around certain central themes: feuds, cheers and song, motherhood, her special ability to communicate Donald Trumpweird stuff with world leaders and limousines.

The book contains much of what you would expect from an associate of Donald Trump. There are shaky depictions of the 2020 election. (She points the finger at “the media, Big Tech and the deep state,” and perpetuates baseless claims of “suspicious voting activity.”) She throws some bones in the traditional women’s movement. (“It was my priority to ensure his well-being, closely attending to every aspect of his life,” she writes of her early marriage and later: “My career took a back seat to the all-important role : being a devoted mother.”)

She spends a lot of ink recounting compliments people have given her. After an appearance on QVC, “callers often compliment my style and jewelry: ‘It’s so nice talking to you. I like your style; I love your jewelry.’” Elsewhere, she writes, “People often asked me about my regimen and marveled at the health of my skin.” She notes that she was “happy to hear my name being cheered too, amid all the noise” after voting for Donald Trump in the 2016 election. (There is so much cheering for the Trumps in this book – so much cheering and chanting and bursting applause.)

Perhaps it’s no surprise that Trump, granddaughter of a renowned Slovenian onion breeder and, by her own admission, possessed of “a deep appreciation for the finer things in life,” feels most at ease in those shiny parts. Her origin story is filled with childhood anecdotes designed to counter the “bleak and inaccurate image of my upbringing” in her native Slovenia, of her father’s “exquisite vehicles” – Ford Mustangs, German BMWs, a Ford Cougar ‘prestigious Mercedes-Benzes,’ a Citroén Maserati SM – for the ‘private nanny’, an alternative to the kindergarten, who made elaborate cakes for her and her sister.

About her arrival in New York with a modeling contract, she writes that the limousine her new employers sent to the airport ‘radiated elegance. I immediately felt a sense of comfort and ease.” The night she met Donald at a Kit Kat Club party, she arrived in a “sleek black limousine.” She notices the two limousines she and Trump have Michelle And Barack Obama rode on Inauguration Day and includes a photo of himself in the presidential limousine, ‘The Beast’. Her excitement about the great city of New York is admittedly limited and extends “from the chic boutiques of Madison Avenue to the bustling streets of the Financial District.” She lingers on descriptions of her wedding dress and her inauguration outfits. “In my couture dress, I danced with my husband to the timeless melody of Frank Sinatra’s iconic ‘My Way’ at the Liberty Ball and the Freedom Ball.”

Amid the glitter, however, the book is bad.

Sometimes Trump has the storytelling instincts of a hound in a fish shop, following her nose from one exciting scent to another, starting anecdotes only to abandon them. More than once I found myself flipping back and forth between Kindle pages, wondering if a paragraph had disappeared. She begins part with, “It was a Saturday in October, a seemingly normal weekend, when my memories of September 11 came flooding back.” No memories of September 11 have been discussed in the story so far, although she does mention seeing the Twin Towers standing “proud against the horizon” upon her arrival in New York in 1998. The anecdote to moseys first follow through an explanation of the difference between weekends and weekdays at the White House, and then a scene where her husband invited her into the situation room during a mission to kill ISIS militant Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. (President Trump himself appears to be lumping Hamza and Osama Bin Laden in with al-Baghdadi.) It ends with Trump’s memory of presenting a medal to Belgian Malinois Conan, but the connection to September 11 remains unexplored.

“It was not an easy process,” she writes about obtaining U.S. citizenship, but she declines to elaborate. In a description of a trip to Japan, she mentions that she does not eat raw fish. Why not? I still don’t know. In a chapter describing her experiences with the assassination attempt last July, she writes that “it was a relatively quiet Saturday in Bedminster. Barron exercised outside. I was finishing my project.” Which project? I couldn’t tell. There are many repetitions: “’I find it very sexy for a woman to be pregnant,’ I told readers of Fashionwhich makes it clear that I find a pregnant woman very attractive.”

She attributes the origins of the Be Best campaign to the internet bullying directed at her son Barron, which she called “not just cruel but invasive,” specifically a video of Barron Rosie O’Donnell posted, asking if he was autistic. “There’s nothing shameful about autism,” Melania writes, “but Barron is not autistic.”

It’s a sad story, but one that falls victim to Melania’s tendency to ignore useful information in favor of gassing her husband. “I felt like she attacked my son because she didn’t like my husband,” she wrote of O’Donnell. “It all started when Donald reached out to Miss USA and offered her the support she so desperately needed to overcome her addiction. His powerful act of kindness not only changed her life, but also delivered a powerful message: that with compassion and understanding, we can help others overcome their struggles.”