As I read Melania Trump’s memoir, I thought of Marie Antoinette. Not the historic queen of France, whose reign ended after her people, suffering years of hardship and chaos, overthrew the monarchy and cut off her head. No: I was thinking of the 2006 film, directed by Sofia Coppola and starring a sassy Kirsten Dunst.

For Marie Antoinette, Coppola pointed out, it was more than just a stupid, cold-blooded “let them eat cake” cartoon. She had depths. For example, she didn’t just like cake; she also liked shoes. Unfortunately, Coppola’s project to complicate the historical misrepresentation of the last French queen was akin to those trying to find hidden depths beneath the icy facade of Donald Trump’s consort. Every outfit of Melania, every gesture, every slap of her husband’s hand was decoded by body language experts, opinion writers and ‘feminists’ of all kinds. Look, she’s wearing a white blouse, which is a sign of displeasure with her husband’s immigration policies! This kind of commentary was doomed.

And yet, now that we have Melania, a memoir reportedly written by the former and perhaps future First Lady, that effort will only increase. Our greatest critical minds will be put to work to find the subtext of her every word. To be clear, not that I believe this one Are all her words: you can feel a 22-year-old Yale graduate hanging over Melania’s shoulder, making sure to stuff Donald’s “unwavering commitment to making America great again” and insisting that she write a solemn anecdote about moving to Land of the Free. “My personal experience with the trials and tribulations of the immigration process,” says Melania, “opened my eyes to the difficulties faced by anyone seeking to become a U.S. citizen.” Frankly, she writes with the same enthusiasm about her experience selling jewelry on a TV shopping channel: “I was excited to share these designs with the world.”

Anyone hoping for an intimate glimpse into the Trumps’ private lives will be disappointed. This book is deeply weird. It is not clear from Melania’s description of her relatives that she actually met them. Maybe they were described to her by scared interns. There is none of Donald’s casual cruelty or incoherent narcissism, even though it has been broadcast on international television for years. Instead, Melania describes him as a typical politician and businessman. While telling an anecdote about how they met, she reports that Trump said, “Nice to meet you.” Her older sister Ines is described as “a guiding light who lit my path and inspired me to reach for the stars,” the kind of thing you write in a high school yearbook for a popular girl you both admire and despise.