Agatha Always Already

Circle sewn with fate, unlock your hidden gate

Season 1

Episode 2

Editor’s Rating

4 stars

****

Photo: Chuck Zlotnick

After spending most of the Agatha Always Already Premiering in a completely fake episode of a “real” crime drama, “Circle Sewn with Fate, Unlock Thy Hidden Gate” gives us a glimpse into what the series might look like in the future (pun intended; I’ll rein it in eventually). Agatha must get her powers back ASAP before the so-called “Salem 7” track her down and tear her apart — and just like Velma Kelly, she can’t do it alone.

This is extremely upsetting for Agatha, a loner of legendary proportions. She is such an iconic figure among witches that her teenage stowaway reveals himself to be a diehard fan who knows such a “scandalous amount” about Agatha that he took it upon himself to free her from Wanda’s spell.

Agatha is impressed. If this child can break the Scarlet Witch’s magic, she reasons out loud, he’s no ordinary child. He also seems physically incapable of telling her who he is or where he comes from, though he doesn’t seem to realize that his mouth looks like a creepy stitched squiggle to Agatha when he tries. That gives Teen (as Agatha calls him) a certain level of intrigue. Still, his most compelling point is that Agatha’s plan to physically escape an all-powerful cabal of witches with no powers of their own is the kind of foolish move that usually ends in a foolish death.

And so they embark on a little road trip in hopes of picking up some witches, the better to summon “The Road.” According to the breathless Teen, The Road will give anyone who makes it to the end “the thing[they]want most.” For Agatha, who’s been down That Road before, “the thing” is her powers (aka her “purple”). Teen says he wants the same thing, but whether or not you believe him might depend on who you think he is, so TBD. Freed from the grim posturing of their characters from the premiere, Hahn and Locke make an engaging oddball couple; in a different version of this show, their quest to find witches could have taken up half the season.

But Agatha has no time to waste, and so their coven recruitment, in an attempt to breeze through to the episode’s necessary conclusion, feels more expedited than perhaps convincing. Though they only have a few hours to find four other witches who could also use a magical avenue to solve their biggest problems, New Jersey apparently has more than enough desperate witches to visit before sundown. (I grew up in Jersey, so this surprises me more than it probably should.) As we learn in each of their introductory scenes, Agatha’s new crew all have essentially the same problem: They’re broke. Even witches, it seems, can’t escape the merciless clutches of capitalism.

First, there’s Lilia, a mall psychic who initially plays dumb to match Agatha’s attempt to go undercover as a southern mother. But Lilia is sharper than she seems And played by Broadway legend Patti Lupone, so Agatha doesn’t get away with an unconvincing performance. Hahn and Lupone are so instantly funny together that I could have happily watched them exchange curses and throw magic at each other for the rest of the episode. It’s no surprise that Teen, who’s so caught up in this magical mission that he’s ignoring his boyfriend’s calls, feels the same way; he practically floats with joy as he watches them spar.

Agatha’s reputation as a selfish power thief precedes her once again, and Lilia wants nothing to do with whatever she’s cooking up, even though she could use a stroke of luck to stave off her mounting bills. Too bad, then, that Lilia’s Divination powers conjure up a list of potential local coven members — with Lilia’s own name right at the top. Inconvenient for Lilia, but, you have to say, how unbelievable Handy for Agatha and the series as a whole! It makes sense that Disney+ would drop the first two episodes, along with all the preparation they need to make for the journey ahead. To their credit, the exposition dumps are only occasionally irritating, thanks in large part to the slick direction and almost instant chemistry between the actors.

With Lilia reluctantly on board, Agatha and Teen set out to get the other witches in line. They find a “magic-bound” Jennifer Kale (Sasheer Zamata) in her boutique shop selling probiotic candles, a pretty steep descent for a would-be potions master. Like Lilia, she’s none too pleased to realize that Agatha has walked through her door, and not just because she’s scaring off customers by loudly shouting about “the Sisterhood of the Traveling Cones.” (An unleashed Hahn is a perfect Hahn.) “I haven’t seen you since I made a very determined effort never to see you again,” Jennifer seethes through a tight smile, which Zamata imbues with a flash of genuine menace. This should have set off alarm bells for the No. 1 Harkness Stan in the room. Instead, Teen pulls out his phone and reminds Jennifer of the slew of lawsuits pending against her. In doing so, he plants the seed that The Road could lead her down a safer path than defending the Goop crowd in court.

The third recruit is Alice Wu-Gulliver (Ali Ahn), a “protection witch” turned mall security henchman who’s already irritated her boss enough that it takes Agatha about two and a half minutes to fire her. As the group’s resident Mysterious One, Alice doesn’t get much to do other than peer through brightly colored ponies, but Agatha is efficient enough to let us know that maybe her thing is trying to figure out “what happened to Mommy.” It’s a mean little line that Agatha barely registers as such, a moment that caught my attention in the same way that her shrugging declaration that “babies Are “delicious.” Most sequels/prequels/reboots/spinoffs about villains tend to conclude that deep down the villains are not That bad. Maybe they’re just hurt and lashing out. However, Agatha Harkness’ origin story is that she literally killed the life out of both her coven and her mother in exchange for more power. It would be difficult to achieve in the grand scheme of things, but it would also be much more interesting than Agatha Always Already doesn’t end in a more typical redemption arc.

So even if this episode of “I Build a Team” moves too quickly to give us much insight into these characters beyond their foundation, it does give us more insight into who Agatha is — not just a witch, but a person. In WandaVisionWe’ve only ever seen her as the unapologetic “nosy neighbor” archetype of Wanda’s sitcom universe, or as a cackling villain who pushes her over the edge. What this episode does best is convey the overlap between the two that encompasses Agatha’s true personality. Laser-focused on her own powerful prize, Agatha deploys a charismatic combination of charm, annoyance, and hostility that swings from hilarious to awful and back again. I quite enjoyed the crime-drama picaresque of the premiere, but I have a feeling it’ll be a lot more fun to see Agatha (and Hahn) lean into slapstick bitchiness while embracing her true, badass selves.

On that note, let’s take a moment to spare for poor Mrs. Sharon Davis, who once again finds herself drawn against her will into a witch’s tale of self-discovery. Debra Jo Rupp has long been one of TV’s most reliably unique comedic personalities, but her pleading delivery of the line “If you won’t let us go, just let us die” at the end of WandaVision sold the depth of the horror Wanda accidentally unleashed on Westview like no other. It makes perfect sense that she would hesitate when Agnes calls her by the name Wanda has forced upon her; it makes much less sense why she wouldn’t immediately leave Agnes’ basement once the witching hour begins. It’s not her fault that Agnes would rather sacrifice a bystander than call her ex-girlfriend-arch-rival for help! Let Sharon go! (…Unless her “green thumb” is actually an indication that she’s a modest practitioner of earth magic, in which case I guess we’ll just have to move on.)

Once Agatha has all of her witches lined up — each a Marvel character from the comics who are now here to represent Earth, Wind, and Air — the call of the Way begins. It will come as no surprise to anyone who WandaVision or looked at Agatha‘s cast list to learn that the spell must be chanted. The premiere previewed “The Ballad” (written by returning songwriters Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez) when Detective Agnes hummed it on her way to investigate a body. Now we get to hear the lyrics, which double as both an incantation and a possible road map (sorry again) for the upcoming season. The episode’s relevant verse:

Seek the way to all that is bad and beautiful,
Gather the fire of the sisters: water, earth and air.
Darkest hour, awaken your strength, earthly and divine,
Burn and brew with a true covenant, and the glory will be yours.

Down, down, down the Road, down the Witches’ Road,
Circle sewn with fate, unlock your hidden gate.

It’s not as meme-y catchy as “Agatha All Along,” but the Andersons have once again written an earworm of a song to serve as the hook for the show. It’s also undeniably effective in juxtaposing the coven’s sing-along with the arrival of the shrouded Salem 7, who not for me. Ringwraiths moving en masse at 1.5 speed with crunching bones? No thanks! Teen and I agree again. He makes a panicked leap out of the living room, out of their literal clutches, and down, down, down the staircase that has indeed appeared in Agatha’s basement, ready to take them all “to the glory at the end.”

• Hahn Line of the Week: Despite the many contenders for Agatha’s exaggerated “undercover” personas, the preference still goes to her fake– ignorant “whaaaaaat?” when Lilia (correctly) accuses her of provoking them to destroy her so she can steal their powers.

• Teen refers to Agatha’s Salem years as one of her “eras,” begging the question: Did Teen make a Taylor Swift “Eras Tour” T-shirt featuring Agatha, and if not, why not?

• Giving Teen an actual “boyf” is more of an Explicitly Gay Moment™ than I expected from Disney+, honestly! Interesting.

• “Who is this? Another child sacrifice?” (Eye emoji)

• If Disney World doesn’t introduce the Salem 7 to the Haunted Mansion this year, the synergy between the companies will truly be lost.

• The Road is a “shoes off” operation? Thank goodness Agatha didn’t recruit Carrie Bradshaw, right?

• So who do we all think Teen is? My bet: He’s somehow related to Agatha’s missing son… or Wanda’s? Debate!