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Selena Gomez and the Grief of Not Being Able to Carry a Baby

Vaseline September 10, 2024

Selena Gomez has revealed that she is unable to carry a child for medical reasons. This experience can cause a lot of heartache and is often overlooked in our society.

“I’ve never said this before,” Gomez told Vanity Fair in a cover story published online Monday, “but unfortunately I can’t carry my own children. I have a lot of medical issues that would put my life and the baby’s life at risk. That was something I had to grieve for a while.”

The 32-year-old “Only Murders in the Building” star said she still plans to become a mother someday. It’s just not “necessarily going to happen in the way that I envisioned,” she added.

“I thought it would happen like it happens for everyone else,” she said. “I’m in a much better place. I think it’s a blessing that there are amazing people out there who are willing to do surrogacy or adoption, which are both huge opportunities for me. It made me really grateful for the other outlets for people who are dying to become mothers. I’m one of those people. I’m excited about what that journey will look like, but it’s going to look a little different. At the end of the day, I don’t care. It’s going to be mine. It’s going to be my baby.”

Grieving over becoming pregnant is a legitimate grief

Grief experts previously told USA TODAY that women who discover they can’t conceive often grieve what they thought it would be like to bring a child into the world. While it’s not the same as grieving the death of a loved one, it’s still a painful experience.

“There is a hierarchy around what grief deserves to be mourned or honored,” said Loree Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, adding that all forms of grief are valid.

Susan Youngsteadt, a social worker in Raleigh, North Carolina, previously spoke candidly to USA TODAY about her experience discovering at age 25 that she carries a hereditary gene for breast cancer. As a result, she decided not to have biological children.

While she said she has a loving partner who is also fine with not having children, “it’s something that I actively seek out therapeutic support and a community for, to choose to be childless. And part of that choice is due to my health, it’s due to the risks that exist in my family system with both parents having a cancer diagnosis.”

More: At 25, she discovered she had the breast cancer gene and now mourns motherhood.

As with all forms of grief, Youngsteadt says some days are better than others.

“Sometimes it’s hard to separate[the different grief experiences],” she said. “But I think clinically and therapeutically we tell people to hold space for each one and take whatever time you need to cry or have a ritual or find support with each thing and let it do its thing. And then you can move on to the next thing.”

Coping with grief

Psychotherapist and podcast host Amy Morin previously told USA TODAY that talking can be helpful when it comes to grief, but not all conversations are helpful.

“When someone is grieving a different kind of loss, like the loss of hope after learning they can’t have a child, the information can be kept private,” she said. “Other people can also minimize the impact of a loss. That can slow the healing process.”

My dog died two months ago. The loss of a pet causes great grief that is ignored in our society.

Sadness creeps into our lives at inopportune times, leaving us feeling uncomfortable and unwilling to talk about it.

“People worry that it could be contagious,” David Kessler, a grief expert and founder of Grief.com, previously told USA TODAY. “For example, if I hear too much about your parent dying, that doesn’t mean my parent is going to die soon, right?”

More: Selena Gomez’s Revealing Documentary Gave Her Freedom: ‘There Was No More Way to Hide’

Grief wasn’t something Youngsteadt had ever anticipated. No one does.

But “the older I get and the more grief has touched my life, I think that’s where I need to be,” she said. “And I think that’s where I need to immerse myself. That’s where I feel most aligned. That’s where I feel — it’s weird to say comfortable — but that’s where I really feel like I’m meant to be.”

Contributions: David Oliver